Tuesday, September 1, 2009

two insights

Two insights. I complain that I cannot feel the presence of god, that my prayers seem rote. But it occurred to me that I always allow the world to overwhelm my time and space, not to mention my heart and mind, with its multiplicity, all the good and bad of it. If I want to feel god I will need to make a space and a time, just like I might make time and space to knit. So I need to make that small clear space and open, empty time and then I need to be there.

As I was walking to work, I was rehearsing where it was left with RM, his not coming to my wedding celebration and saying to me something about boundaries. As I was talking to myself, I said he was talking to me like I was 18... I realized that I am so angry with him because he fell into the parent role, accusing me of not knowing what I should know, shaming me, making me feel like I felt at 18. And it is being 18 that it seems I can never get over, how all of the present troubles play into that punishment, endlessly repeated.